


Gut Feeling

by xu_ming_wow



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Depression, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Murder, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, So much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:24:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14549622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xu_ming_wow/pseuds/xu_ming_wow
Summary: There's a new producer working at Pledis, and Jihoon has a bad feeling about him...Please do not read if you are sensitive to graphic themes such as death, violence, rape/non-con, self-harm, suicide, panic attacks, PTSD, etc.





	1. Chapter 1

In the many years he's been under Pledis, Jihoon has worked with countless amount of people. Producers, composers, mixers, DJs, lyricists, etc. If they're apart of the music industry, chances are Jihoon has worked with them.

So when a new producer begins to work at Pledis for Seventeen's new album, he doesn't think much of it. Why would he? He's never had a major problem with anyone before. Sure, there's been a few people he hasn't liked too much, but Jihoon is a professional and wouldn't let personal feelings get in the way of a project.

But that's when Jihoon starts to notice that this new guy is a bit...off. It's nothing obvious or anything, just that he seems a little  _too_  comfortable with him.

He noticed it the first time when they were in the studio one afternoon. The new guy (Jongmin is his name), Bumzu, and Jihoon had been working on mixing a track they had finished recording the day before. It was pretty smooth sailing, as the track was coming together nicely.

But Jihoon couldn't completely focus on the work at hand, as this Jongmin guy seemed to keep finding ways to touch him. They were very minor touches, a brush of the hand or thighs grazing a little too close for comfort, but it was driving him mad. At first he thought it was unintentional, but when it kept happening, he couldn't help but feel a little creeped out.

That's when Jihoon really began to notice Jongmin's weird behavior. At any opportunity to be around Jihoon, the guy would take it. It's like he had an extra shadow following him around. Of course, that could be just the fact that he really looked up to Jihoon, as he was relatively young and new to the industry. But that wouldn't explain why he  _would not stop staring at him._

At this point, Jihoon began to feel nervous. Whenever Jongmin got close to him, he was hyper-aware of the subtle touches and the stares from the other. It was constant, and it made him extremely uncomfortable. He asked Soonyoung after practice one day about what he thought. 

"Sounds to me like he has a crush on you." Hoshi said as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.

Jihoon contemplated this for a second, shaking his head. "I don't know, he's just kinda... creepy about it. It really rubs me the wrong way."

"Why don't you tell him you're uncomfortable then?"

"I mean, I guess I could, but I don't want to make things awkward or embarrass him if he really does have a crush on me."

"Well, he is pretty handsome, but too bad he has no chance with you. You're so straight you can't even be  _near_  a girl without freaking out." The dancer says with a laugh as Jihoon gives him a hard whack on the shoulder.

Despite the last comment, he supposed Soonyoung is right. If he has a problem, he should address it like an adult. Besides,  _Jihoon is a professional and wouldn't let personal feelings get in the way of a project._

______

 

It was late the next evening, long after everyone else in the building had gone home. The producers were wrapping up for the night to get some well deserved rest, except Jihoon, who decided last minute that he really wanted to get the last verse of that song arranged, despite the other two's efforts to get him to go home. He refused, as usual.

Bumzu sighed loudly. "You just never let yourself get a break do you?" Jihoon hummed in response, already deep in concentration. He heard the door open as he left, saying a quick goodbye to the others as he left. Jihoon expected Jongmin to follow, but was surprised when the man plopped down onto the chair next to him. 

Jihoon glanced over to him. "Are you not leaving?"

The other shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "I figured you'd want some company."

"Oh, that's okay, I'm fine really. I'm used to working late at night anyways. You should go home and sleep, you deserve it."

Jongmin didn't seem to budge. "Nah, I'm good. Besides, I wouldn't want to leave you alone, you never know what could happen."

_You never know what could happen._

Those words repeated in Jihoon's head, sending chills up his spine. No matter how hard he tried, he just could not shake the feeling that something here was  _very, very_ _wrong._

The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Jihoon trying to focus as the other stared at him intensely. That's when he felt a hand slowly creep it's way up his thigh. Jihoon froze, eyes wide, before shooting up out of his seat.

"I-I think I should go." He said as he grabbed his stuff with shaky hands.

"Woozi, can I-"

He cuts him off, making his way towards the door without looking at him. "No, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in you, or any guy for that matter. I'm sorry if I somehow made you think otherwise, but I really sh-" 

Before he can finish his sentence or make his way out the door, Jihoon is grabbed from behind and slammed into the wall.

Jihoon looks up at Jongmin, fear creeping up his throat as the man stares at him. He tries to wiggle free from his grasp, but he has an incredibly strong hold on him.

"L-let go of me."

Jongmin shakes his head, leaning in to Jihoon's ear. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Woozi." He whispers, and it makes Jihoon want to vomit.

He struggles harder, desperately trying to get away. He feels a hand brush his cheek, almost too lightly for the situation. Jihoon leans away from the touch as best as he can, shuddering at the look of satisfaction on the man's face.

"Ah, so pretty. All for me." Jongmin says before grabbing Jihoon by the chin and kissing him.

Jihoon trys to push him away, but he is too weak compared to the other man's strength. So, Jihoon does the next best thing, by connecting his knee with Jongmin's groin.

He immediately doubles over in pain, and Jihoon takes the opportunity to run for the door. He only is able to grab the handle before he is being wrenched back by the hair and thrown into the opposite wall.

The impact sends Jihoon to the floor, struggling to catch his breath when a foot comes flying into his ribs.

"Stupid little bitch!" Jongmin hisses as he kicks him in the side again. Jihoon whimpers from the pain, tears clouding his vision as he tries desperately to crawl away from the harsh blows to his stomach. He feels a hand grab his hair again, lifting him up slightly to punch him in the face. It stings, and Jihoon can't tell if he's bleeding from his mouth or his nose.

Jongmin climbs on top of him, pinning him to the floor as he tries to remove his shirt, but Jihoon isn't making it easy for him. Another fist connects with his face, his eye swelling up almost immediately. 

"Do you want me to hurt you? Huh? Is that what you want?" He says, anger and annoyance tinged in his words. Jihoon only cries harder, which makes the man even more angry.

He feels a hand tighten around his throat, cutting off his oxygen. "Shut up you stupid fucking whore!" Jongmin shouts, grip tightening as he rips his shirt off his body.

He lets go of Jihoon's throat to hold his arms down, and he immediatly starts coughing and gasping for breath. Jongmin doesn't seem to like the noises he's making, as he bites down onto the smaller man's shoulder. He yells out, resulting in another blow to his side. Jongmin keeps hitting him and biting him, pulling his pants down to grope and bite at his hips and legs.

When Jongmin gets sick of this, he picks Jihoon up and puts him on the desk. He shoves him down by the throat as he gropes the front of Jihoon's underwear. "This would have been so much easier if you had just been good. But you had to disobey me, didn't you?" He hisses into Jihoon's ear, not letting up on the force around his throat.

He can see black spots dotting his vision as his lungs scream for air, and for a moment Jihoon thinks he is about to die. But the hand lets go of his throat, and he leans over to his side as he fills his lungs with air again. He can hear the buckle of Jongmin's belt and the rustle of jeans, and Jihoon thinks he is surely fucked. This guy is going to have his way with him and then kill him, and there's nothing he can do about it.

But as Jihoon's vision clears, he sees something that gives him a bit of hope. Just a couple feet from his head is a pair of scissors, knocked out of the pencil holder from the violent attack happening on the desk. Jihoon hesitates for a moment, but he knows this is probably his only chance, so he quickly grabs the scissors and plunges it deep into Jongmin's side without a second thought.

The man staggers back, falling to his knees as he holds his side in pain. He tries to grab at Jihoon, but instead falls to the ground face first.

Jihoon stays where he's at, completely frozen. He looks at Jongmin for any signs of movement, thinking that he might be faking it to trick him. But the man is eerily still. 

Once Jihoon realizes this, he collapses to the ground, ugly sobs wracking his body. He can't believe what just happened, what he just did. His mind reels in panic as he tries to think of what to do, the only clear thought being to  _call someone._  So Jihoon grabs his phone out of his jacket pocket and calls the first person he can think of.

 

______

 

Seungcheol was abruptly awoken by his phone alarm ringing loudly in his ear. He groans as rolls over to grab it and shut it off, it wouldn't hurt him to get a few more minutes of sleep before practice. But when he looks at his phone, he realizes it isn't morning time and his alarm isn't going off, but it's actually Jihoon calling him. The leader huffs in annoyance, very used to these calls late it nightat from the younger, who would always get stuck at the studio and in need of a ride home.

Seungcheol doesn't bother saying hello as he answers. "Woozi, what did I tell you about staying in the studio so late?" He says, getting ready to scold him. He expects him to utter the usual excuse about how he just had to finish this or that, but instead a he hears a broken sob.

"Hyung, I need you." Jihoon whimpers into the phone. The sound of one of his bandmates in tears has Seungcheol alert instantly, shooting up out of his bed.

"What happened? Are you okay?" He says a little too loudly, causing Joshua to stir across the room.

"I-I had decided to st-stay behind for a little bit to finish something up a-a-and J-Jongmin... He stayed with me and he- he..." Jihoon stutters out in between hiccups, struggling to get words out.

"Jihoon, I need you to calm down and breathe. I can't understand you if you're freaking out." 

He hears the other take a few deep breaths, smalls sniffs and hiccups coming from the speaker.

"He tried to- and I- oh God what did I do?"

Seungcheol realizes that he won't be able to get Jihoon to explain much further. "Jihoon, where are you?"

"At the studio." He says in a small voice.

"Okay, I need you to stay there, I'll be there as quick as I can."

"O-okay." Jihoon sniffles before Seungcheol ends the call. He pulls himself out of bed and throws on his clothes. Joshua was sitting up in his bed, having heard the majority of the conversation. 

"Cheol, what's happening with Jihoon?" He asks as he watches him dress.

"I'm not sure, but he's in trouble and needs my help." He says as he grabs a random shirt off the floor and throws it on. Joshua climbs out of bed and begins to change out of his pajamas.

"What are you doing?" Seungcheol questions.

"I'm coming with you, and you can't stop me." Joshua replies firmly, not stopping as he continues dressing.

Seungcheol presses his lips in a tight line, shaking his head as he grabs his keys and phone. "Well I guess you better hurry then, Jihoon is waiting for us."

 

_

 

 Jihoon couldn't stop the tears from escaping his eyes as he cradled his knees to his chest. He wanted so badly for this to be a bad dream, that in a minute he would wake up to his alarm and it would just be another day of practice. But as he looked down at his half naked body and Jongmin laying motionless in a pool of his own blood, the sick reality of it all washed over him.  Jihoon felt himself get sick to his stomach, burying his face in his hands as he sobbed harder.

He felt like it had been an eternity before he heard the sound of foot steps approaching the door. Jihoon tried to quiet his sobs, panicking as his mind led him to believe that somehow the police found him and he was going to be arrested and spend the rest of his life in prison.

The door slowly opened, and Jihoon looked up from his lap to see who had entered.

The sight that Seungcheol and Joshua saw was definitely not what they expected. They looked on in shock as their eyes panned over the torn up studio, from the man with his pants around his ankles covered in blood, to an incredibly battered and terrified Woozi huddled into the corner.

 Seungcheol rushed over to him, not giving a second thought to the man on the floor as he approached the younger. He reached out to comfort him, but was met with a yelp as Jihoon tried to scoot further into the wall.

"Hey, shhhh, it's okay. It's just me, Jihoon, I'm here now, I'm here." He tried to sound as soothing as possible to ease the other's nerves. Jihoon looked up from his hands, tears and blood covering his face. He cried as he reached forward towards Seungcheol, who grabbed him and held him gently.

The older studied the other from head to toe. He had blood leaking from his nose and lips, and his right eye was black and swollen. His naked torso had giant bruises completely covering his chest, and bite marks littered his legs. Seungcheol felt rage boiling in his chest as he glanced over the crying boy, anger intensifying as he noticed the purple hand prints around his neck.

"Oh Hoonie, what did he do to you?" He asked him in a hushed voice, his only reply being a small sob.

Seungcheol turned to look at Joshua, who was squatting near the man, Jongmin he assumed. Joshua looked at him with wide eyes, voice slightly quivering as he said "Cheol, he's dead."

His blood ran cold at Joshua's words, looking down at the sobbing Jihoon in his arms as his mind tried to piece together what exactly had happened.

"Joshua, call the police."

Jihoon's head shot up, rapidly shaking his head. "No, no no no, you can't. They're going to arrest me, I'll rot in prison the rest of my life, you can't-"

"Jihoon! Calm down!" Seungcheol shouted, silencing him. "You are not going to be arrested or put in prison. That man hurt you, and you acted in self defense. You did nothing wrong. You're going to be okay."

Jihoon slowly nodded his head as he sunk back into Seungcheol's embrace, sniffling queitly as he closed his eyes and felt himself slowly slip out of consciousness.

 

______

 

When he opened his eyes again, Jihoon was laying in a hospital bed. Seungcheol was sitting next to him in a chair, putting his phone down once he noticed that he had woken.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked as he stood up and approached the bed. Jihoon opened his mouth to reply, but his throat felt like a desert. 

"Do you need some water?" Jihoon nodded. "I'll get a nurse to come bring you some." 

Seungcheol gets up and presses the call button, and only seconds later a nurse comes in with a cup.

Jihoon nearly downs the whole thing at once, feeling tons better once he's done. He clears his throat a bit, wiping his mouth with his hand but winces when his palm touches his lip.

"Yeah, you might not want to mess with that."

Jihoon looks under his hospital gown, glancing at the bandages wrapped around his torso. He looks up at Seungcheol who watches him with worried eyes.

"How bad is it?" He asks dryly.

Seungcheol is a little taken aback by this. "Well... A few of your ribs are broken, as well as your nose, and you have a hairline fracture in you collarbone, but other than that it's just some bruises and stuff."

Jihoon nods, and the two sit in silence for a few moments before Seungcheol speaks again.

"Jihoon, can I ask you something?"

"...Sure, I guess."

He hesitates a second. "Did- did that guy... Did he..."

Jihoon stops him. "If you're trying to ask if he raped me, then the answer is no, he didn't. I stopped him before he got the chance."

Seungcheol can only nodded, not sure what else to say.

Jihoon broke the small silence. 

"Is he dead?" He asks flatly.

Seungcheol looks at him in suprise. "What?"

Jihoon sighs before repeating himself.

"Is. He. Dead?"

Seungcheol pauses for a moment before finally answering. "Yes, the police confirmed he had been dead before we even found you."

Jihoon tightens his fists into the sheets, tears welling up in his eyes. "Shit." His voice is broken and raw, tears spilling down his cheek. He couldn't believe that something like this had happened.

"I'm a murderer. I fucking took someone else's life  _with my own hands._ "

Before he becomes overrun with emotions, Seungcheol is hugging him, arms wrapped around him gently. He wished that he was able to protect him, wished that he wasn't so broken and hurt.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Jihoon, it'll all be okay, I promise."

 

_

 

 

A few hours had passed before long. His parents were still traveling to Seoul since the managers had trouble getting in contact with them. Seungcheol had offered to have the other members of Seventeen come in to visit him, as they had been waiting for hours in to see him. But Jihoon couldn't muster up the courage to see them right now, he didn't want them to see him so weak and vulnerable.

Jihoon was worried that's all he would be anymore. Just a pathetic little boy, beaten and thrown around, a murderer. That's all anyone would know him for. Even if the reports had left his name and any detail regarding him out, the fans could probably put two and two together now. They would all hate him, hate Seventeen because of him. Then Seventeen would hate him because of that, and then his parents would hate him for being a failure. He would have nobody.

Two police officers suddenly came into the room, interrupting Jihoon's thoughts. He panicked briefly, thinking that they had changed their minds and he was being arrested. But they didn't seem to be aggressive or threatening in any way, so Jihoon relaxed a little.

"Lee Jihoon?" One of the officers asked.

"That'd be I." 

"We need to get your testimony documented, sooner rather than later." 

Jihoon felt a bit shaky. "Now?"

"That'd be preferable, but if you would like to wait we can. We strongly urge you to testify as soon as you can so that way you have a clear memory of details."

Jihoon nodded his head. "I guess now is fine." 

Seungcheol looked at him with worry. "Are you sure? It's okay if you want to wait."

"No, I'm sure. But can- uh... Can he stay please?" Jihoon asks as he turns back towards the officers. 

"Whatever makes you comfortable."

There was a small silence as the officers set up the tape recorder, pressing play and gesturing for Jihoon to begin speaking.

"Where should I start?"

"Let's start with the night of the attack. Was the perpetrator acting strangly or different?"

Jihoon paused for a moment. "Well, he always acted a bit strange. He was always very close to me, and he seemed to be a bit stalker-ish. He creeped me out a bit, but I thought it was just a little crush."

"So last night, was he doing these same type of things?"

"Yeah, he stayed behind with me because he didn't want to leave me alone since 'anything could happen.'" Jihoon visibly shivered as he recalled Jongmin's words. "Then he had grabbed my thigh, and I got away from him and told him I wasn't interested. I tried to leave, but..."

There's a small pause a Jihoon collects himself, pushing through his emotions and sorting them in the back of his mind.

"He grabbed me and started touching me. I fought back, and he didn't like that."

"What did he do once you fought back?"

"H-...He threw me into the wall and started kicking and punching me, chocking me until I saw spots in my vision. He called me disgusting things, and he kept getting more violent and angry every time I made a noise or moved, biting me and slapping me, dragging me by my hair." Jihoon stuttered over his words, feeling his chest tightening 

"Take your time, Mr. Lee." The officer told him, and Jihoon took a deep breath and continued.

"He took my clothes off and put me onto my desk, held me down by my throat. When he let go to get his pants off, I saw a pair of scissors in my reach. I figured that it was my only chance, that if I didn't act then he was going to hurt me more, maybe even kill me. I figured it was either me or him. I didn't have any other option. Really. I wouldn't have done it if there was any other way." Jihoon grew frantic as he tried to explain his reasoning.

Seungcheol grabbed his hand and squeezed, grounding Jihoon back to reality. "Do you want to stop?" He asked him with concern written all over his face. 

"No, I can keep going, I want to get this over and done with."

Seungcheol nodded his head, his hold on his hand not letting up. Jihoon continued.

"I grabbed the scissors while he was distracted and stabbed him in the side. He fell almost immediately. Bled out right before my eyes."

The officers faces look grim as they document Jihoon's words. They turn the recorder off and stand up. "I think that's all we need for now. Thank you for your time." They turn to leave, but Jihoon stops them.

"Will I have to go to court?"

The officers stop and turn to look at him. The bigger one, who Jihoon persumes to be the higher ranked one, answers. "Looking at all of the evidence, I would say that this case will be closed pretty easily." Jihoon let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Just to let you know, according to me, you did the right thing, kid. You were smart and acted quickly, and that probably saved your life." The officer said before promptly leaving the room, the room filling with an unsteady silence.

"He's right, you know."

Jihoon looks over at Seungcheol, who is still holding his hand.

"I'm so glad you did what you did. If you hadn't, who knows what could've happened to you. I hate looking at you so brusied up and beaten, it makes me angry that someone could be so cruel and evil. But I don't know what I would do if you weren't in this bed right now, if you were missing or lying dead in a morgue."

Jihoon doesn't look at him, just stares at their hands intertwined I'm his lap.

"Woozi, you're important to so many people, and we will all be here for you no matter what."

Jihoon felt a small smile creep on his face, the first time in way felt like an eternity of tears. He hoped that Seungcheol was right, because he needed them to be with him. Without them, he might just fall apart.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Recovery was rough, to say the least. When other members of Seventeen came in, their were mixed reactions. Some of them were incredibly worried and scared, others were so angry they turned red, and the rest were just happy he was alive. But all of them cared, and that's what really matters to Jihoon.

He ended up staying in the hospital for a week before being discharged. He had read all the articles about "Idol A's" assault, as well as the speculative comments. But most of the comments Jihoon saw were ones wishing "A" a speedy recovery and well wishes.

Earlier in the week, the company had offered to null his contract if he wished to leave, to which he politely declined. Music was everything to him, and he would be damned if he let anything get in the way of his dreams. He just wanted to live his life as normal as possible.

Except for Jihoon, normal wasn't possible anymore.

As the bruises started to fade on his body, the ones on his mind weren't. He could never find himself to be able to sleep, always staying awake for hours on end. He hardly ate anything, the other members practically shoving food down his throat bit by bit. He had no motivation to get out of bed in the mornings, laying there for hours until someone forced him to move.

He had is first flash back a few days after he was released from the hospital. For some reason, Jihoon had suddenly gained some motivation and decided to try and get some work done. He couldn't do too much with just his laptop, but he wanted to get as much done as he could.

After a few hours, he had gotten a text from Jeonghan to tell him they were on the way home with dinner, so he stopped his work for the day to give his mind a break.  He was lounging on the couch as he scrolled through Naver when he noticed that "Woozi Seventeen" was one of the trending searches. Intrigued, he clicked on it, waiting for the search results to pop up. The very first thing on the page was an article that was titled  _"Seventeen's Woozi suspected to be 'Idol A' in recent sexual assault case."_

Jihoon felt his heart jump to his throat as he clicked the article and began reading. It basically said that despite lack of details including gender, company, or anything other than the fact he was an idol, many fans suspect that Jihoon was the victim. Comments on the original story coverage concluded that the only person that it could be was Woozi because of his prolonged hospital stay and the postponement of the album, announced only a couple of days after the attack.

Jihoon knew this was going to happen. It was just too much of a coincidence for it not to be him. The fans weren't dumb. Hell, some of them have even figured out their address and phone numbers, of course they could figure this out.

He didn't even hear the front door open as he stared blankly at his laptop. Didn't hear the others calling out to him. Didn't notice someone approaching him. Didn't feel his laptop being taken off his lap and put on the table. Didn't see the person in front of him kneel down and ask him if he was okay. His mind was lost in a fog of panic and fear, emotions he had gotten all too used to in the past week.

When he felt a hand on his shoulder, his mind went into overdrive. All he could think was that he was in danger, and he needed to protect himself,  _needed to get out._

He yelped loudly at the contact, lashing out at the threat in front of him, fingernails connecting with the person's face. He scrambled away to the corner of the room, attempting to get as far away from the danger as possible.

Soonyoung was holding his cheek in pain as he watched Jihoon run from him. The small man was completely panicked, fear flooding his thoughts as his eyes darted back and forth between the members. He looked like he was in a trance, unsure of what was happening, and completely terrified.

The other members stood still, not knowing what to do. They didn't want to scare Jihoon any further, but they had to get him calmed down somehow, and standing around wasn't going to cut it.

Jeonghan was the first to make a move, slowly taking a step forward. Jihoon turned his head from the movement, flinching as he cowared back. Jeonghan stopped in his tracks, holding his hands up.

"It's okay, Jihoon, it's just me, Jeonghan. You are at home, in the living room. You are not in any danger, you are completely safe, okay?" He said slowly and calmly. The words didn't register in Jihoon's mind, to overwhelmed with fear to think properly. He was shaking, eyes wide as he looked at all the people in the room. There was so many of them, so many people who could hurt him.

Jihoon's head snapped around to look at his best escape option: the window. If he ran for it, he could probably make it out before they caught him. It was only a 4 story drop, surely that couldn't injure him too badly.

Before he could think any further, his body went into autopilot as he ran full speed towards the window. He grabbed at the handle and yanked at it, flinging the glass back and lunging forward before he felt someone grab him.

Jihoon let out a blood-curdling scream as he kicked and thrashed in the person's hold. The person didn't budge as he hit them and yelled out a cantra of pleas and no's, only holding Jihoon tighter in their embrace. He saw his vision go blurry with tears, struggling to breathe through the panic. He had to get away from him, he was going to _hurt him._

Through his panic, he heard a familiar voice calling out his name. Was someone here to rescue him?

Jihoon's screams of no turned into calls for help, for someone to save him.

"Please, someone help me! Save me! Please!" He screamed out, his voice breaking in desperation.

"It's okay, Hyung, you're okay. I've got you, please stop screaming." He heard the person holding him say. Those words shocked him, as he expected to hear threats, not reassurances. Jihoon stopped for a second, processing the words, the voice, the smell and familiarity of the person holding him.

 _Mingyu_.

As if by magic, Jihoon snapped back to reality, relief washing over him as he realized he wasn't in danger, that he was safe. He clutched onto Mingyu like he was his only lifeline, sobbing into the larger man's hold, muttering apologies under his shaky breath.

The other members watched as Mingyu picked up Jihoon in his arms, carrying him out of the living room with Seungcheol in tow. They were shocked to say the least. The doctors had told them abour what to expect in regards to panic attacks and flashbacks, but this was far worse than they expected.

Wonwoo approached Soonyoung, carefully inspecting his injured cheek. There were 3 angry red lines running across it, small trickles of blood leaking out of his pale skin.

"Man, he really got you good, didn't he?" The rapper asked, not entirely expecting an answer. Seokmin came over with a damp washclosh, carefully cleaning Soonyoung's face.

"That was my fault." He said, confusing the others.

"What do you mean, hyung?" Chan asked, sitting down on the armrest of the couch.

"All of that happened because of me. If I had been more careful, if I hadn't have touched him..." 

Jeonghan stopped him. "No, Soonie, that is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just trying to help."

"But I-"

"The only person that's at fault is that despicable man who hurt him, not you, not him, not anyone else, okay?"

Soonyoung nodded his head, wincing from Seokmin tending to his wound.

A small silence fell over the group, the only sound being the muffled sobs and soft reassurances coming from the bedrooms. Eventually, the sounds died down, and Mingyu and Seungcheol emerged.

"How is he?" Seungkwan asked them, worry spread in his voice.

The leader sighed in exasperation. "He's sleeping right now. He was still a bit shaken up, so we shouldn't disturb him for awhile, give him so time to relax a bit."

"Is this going to be a common thing? Is it normal for it to be that bad?" Hansol questioned, obviously concerned.

Joshua, however, did not take lightly of the question.

"What is that supposed to mean?" The hostility in the American’s voice startled the others.

"You think this is bad? You didn't even  _see_ what he was like before. How would you have reacted if you had been the one to find him half-naked, beaten, covered in another man's blood? Huh? You think this is difficult for us? Try being Jihoon right now. He's absolutely terrified, and you're-"

"JISOO!" 

Rough hands grabbed his shoulders, jarring him to silence. He looked up at Seungcheol’s stern gaze and the shocked faces in the room and immediately felt guilty.

”I... I’m sorry, guys. I just... I don’t know.”

”It’s okay, Hyung, I shouldn’t have been so insensitive.” Vernon said weakly. Joshua tries to interject, but is stopped by Jeonghan.

”I think we all just need to calm down a bit. All of us are a bit shaken, and we don’t need to be fighting at a time like this.” The members all nod in agreement, then stand awkwardly in the living room in silence, unsure of what to do next. They wait until eventually Chan leaves, muttering about needing to shower, and it triggers a chain effect until everyone has dispersed, waiting anxiously for Jihoon to emerge.

____

Jihoon slept for what felt like an eternity, and he felt a million times better as he woke. As he sat up, rubbing his eyes, he realized he wasn’t alone. A brief moment of panic made him jump back, only to realize who it was belatedly.

”Oh, sorry. I probably should have realized that would scare you.”

Jihoon let out a small breath, almost a chuckle. “It’s okay, Jun, you didn’t mean to.”

”Still, I’ll try to be more careful next time.”

Jihoon didn’t reply immediately, carefully running through his thoughts before continuing. “So, uh, why exactly are you sitting on my bed watching me sleep?”

”Well when you put it like that it sounds a hell of a lot creepier than my actual intentions.”

”What are would those intentions be then?”

Jun ran a hand through his hair, speaking carefully. “I wanted to see how you were doing, and see if you wanted to talk.”

Jihoon’s expression soured. “I’m not in the mood to talk, Jun”.

”That’s okay, I’m going to do more of the talking anyway, I guess I mean I wanted to see if you would be up for listening.”

”Um... sure I guess.”

Jun hummed in response, letting out a deep sigh as if he were about to speak, but closed his mouth at the last second.

”Junhui, what is this about?”

There was another moment of pause from the other. Jihoon’s mind reeled at what he could be wanting to say, too afraid to ask any further. He was so lost in his own head that he nearly missed what Jun said.

”I haven’t told anyone this before.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I’ve had a lot of stuff going on irl
> 
> But! 
> 
> I promise that the next update will be soon, hopefully in the next week or so. 
> 
> Stayed tuned!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m soooooo sorry this took so long. I had planned to write the next chapter within a couple of weeks but that turned into months oops. Life just happens sometimes ya know? Anyway I will try my best to update this as much as possible and I’m glad y’all are enjoying it so far!

An air of silence surrounded the two.

Jihoon stared at the Chinese man in confusion and concern. Whatever he was about to tell him seemed very serious, and he waited with baited breath for him to continue. 

Jun rubbed the back of his neck, hands noticeably shaky as he met the smaller man’s gaze. 

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this. This is probably not a great idea and I know this is probably very selfish of me to be doing this right now but I can’t help but think you’re the only person who would understand me even though the situations are nothing like each other and now the more I think about the more I realize this is  _really_ a bad idea and I should-“

Jihoon cuts him off by grabbing his wrist, stopping him from unknowingly picking at his arm, red splotches already appearing on his skin. Jun looks at him apologetically, taking in a big breath and letting it out with a sigh.

”I’m sorry, I was rambling.”

Jihoon shook his head. “Don’t be. Just take your time, I’m listening”.

Another long pause of silence before Jun spoke again.

“You know how I was a child actor, right? And actors have managers too, just like idols, like our managers. But my manager back then was different from ours, way different.”

Jihoon didnt understand what Jun was saying completely, but he just nodded his head in encouragement.

“He wasn’t mean to me, never hit me or anything, but...”

Another pause. Deep breath in, out.

”He-... he touched me.”

Shock hit Jihoon like a tidal wave, then pure anger. He wanted to ask questions, but knew that pressing him for answers might trigger him, so he just sat patiently and tried to hide the anger showing in his face. He grabbed Jun’s hand and squeezed, plastering an attempt at a comforting smile on his face.

Jun kept his eyes on the ground, hardly blinking as he continued.

”He took pictures too. Told me it was for castings, told me he just wanted to make sure I was healthy. I never even realized anything was wrong with it until I came to Korea, didn’t even know what molestation meant. When I figured it out, I felt so betrayed. I had trusted him, believed his words, never questioned his actions once. I can’t help but blame myself for it sometimes even though I know it wasn’t myself fault, I was a kid, just a  _kid,_ damnit.” A few tears fell from the corners of his eyes, splashing onto the ground. Jihoon tried to think of a way to comfort him, but he's never been the best with comforting people when they are upset. And he knows from his own experience that sometimes comfort isn't necessarily wanted or needed.

Jihoon kept his hold on Jun's hand as they sat their in another pause of silence. It wasn't awkward or tense, the two just appreciating the comfort of the other person, another person that understands.

 After a while, Jun picks his head up and looks Jihoon straight in the eye, any sign of emotion gone from his face so suddenly that it almost scared him.

"I just want you to know that you're not alone in this." 

And suddenly Jihoon is crying again, uncontrollably and without restraint. But this time it's not from fear or sadness or guilt, but appreciation and relief.

Jun pulls his face into his shoulder, tears falling into the other's hair as he lets his emotions take over.

And the two stay there, holding each other as they cry, over their lost innocence, their broken lives, but more importantly because they finally feel safe and loved, and they are surrounded by people who actually care about them. 

"Are you... are you gonna tell them?" Jihoon said after he eventually calmed down. 

Jun sighed. " I don't think right now is a good time, but I will. Sometime soon, I promise."

Jihoon nodded, wiping his face with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry I cried all over your shirt."

"Don't worry about it, I can just change. I think we both really needed to do that anyway."

"Yeah, I really did. Thank you, Jun. I'm really glad you trusted me enough to tell me."

"Hoonie, I'd trust you with anything. You're one of the only people that I can trust anymore." 

Jihoon smirked at that, glancing out the window at the setting sun. "Believe me, I know that feeling all too well."

 

 The next few weeks were a blur for Jihoon. He ignored the whirlwind in his mind and instead focused on work. He had always been a bit of a workaholic, bit now he hardly let himself do anything else. Music was his escape, it felt like the only thing that kept him sane. 

Because of his constant working, the delayed album was ready before the pushed-back release date. Upon discussion with the company, their comeback date was changed again, despite the other members of Seventeen being highly against it.

"But Jihoon, I really think we should wait a couple weeks." Seungcheol urged.

"Too bad." He said without looking up from his laptop.

"I just think that you need-"

"Oh sure, tell me what I  _need_ , since everyone likes to do that so much now. Like you know what I  _need_ better than myself. Because poor Jihoon can't think for himself, the trauma gets to his brain and he can't make his own decisions anymore." He shuts his laptop shut, standing directly in front of Seungcheol.

"Well, I have news for you buddy. I can take care of myself. I don't need you to protect me. I don't need you to decide what's best for me. I can do that myself." He turned away, heading for his room.

Seungcheol grabbed his wrist to stop him. "Jihoon, please."

The other spun around, yanking his wrist out of his grasp. "Don't touch me!"

"I'm sorry, just please listen to me."

"No, I'm done talking with you, I want to be alone now." Jihoon spat, going into his room and shutting the door forcefully, locking it behind him.

Seungcheol cursed under his breath, kicking the coffee table before sitting down on the couch.

Wonwoo, who had been sitting at the kitchen table reading a book and had seen the whole exchange, spoke up. "Don't break the table."

"Shut up Wonwoo, you're not funny." He replied, leaning back as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. 

"Not trying to be funny, just concerned about the wellbeing of our furniture." Wonwoo glanced up from his book. "Don't stress yourself out so much hyung. He's very sensitive and will be for a while. It's normal for him to get a bit explosive sometimes."

The older sighed. "I know, I know. I just wish I could help him more."

"We all want to help him, but sometimes it's best to give him space and let him sort things out on his own. He'll get better with time."

Seungcheol laughed a little. "When did you become so wise?"

Wonwoo picked up his book. "It's called reading, you should try it sometime."

A pillow went flying across the room, hitting Wonwoo right in the face. "Hey! That wasn't very nice."

"And what are you gonna do about it, oh wise one?" Seungcheol said before the same pillow he had thrown was headed straight back to his face.

This prompted a small pillow fight, the two laughing loudly.

Jihoon heard it through his bedroom door, the sound of laughter making him feel sick. It wasn't fair that they got to be happy, wishing he could feel that once again. He had long forgotten what that felt like, only knowing the dark looming cloud of sadness suffocating him. 

The pills his psychiatrist had prescribed barley did anything, and he had stopped taking them a while ago. The only thing that gave him any relief was his music, and his blade hiding in his top drawer. Whenever he felt too unlike himself or caught up in his thoughts too much, the sharp edge cutting into his skin always made him feel more alive, the pain bringing him back to reality. 

Jihoon once again reached for the small knife in his drawer, sitting on the edge of his bed. He pulled up the legs of his shorts to his upper thigh, revealing the numerous cuts that ran over his skin. He was quickly running out of room there, but he didn't want to do it on his wrists or stomach, knowing that the cuts would be too difficult to hide.

Jihoon examined his thighs, looking at the cuts like artwork. Most of them were nearly healed, as he never cut too deep, just enough to feel the pain. He always made sure to clean them well so they wouldn't get infected. The faster the cuts healed, the more room he would have to make more.

He carefully brought the blade to an unmarked spot on his left thigh, letting it rest for a second before applying the smallest amount of pressure. A spot of blood sprang up from beneath the milky skin. Jihoon let go of the breath he had been holding, feeling his mind become more clear, the dark fog lifting. He ran the blade a couple times over the unmarked flesh before cleaning the metal and stashing it back into his drawer. He began to take care of his leg when he heard a knock on the door.

"Hyung, it's Seungkwan. There's some pizza out here if you're hungry." He heard from behind the door.

Jihoon quickly cleaned up his thigh, throwing the gauze and antiseptic under his bed before unlocking the door.

Seungkwan stepped back a few steps, not expecting for Jihoon to come out so quickly.

"You said there was pizza?" 

"Y-yeah. Are you okay? Why was the door locked?"

Jihoon forced a smile onto his face. "Oh yeah, I'm fine, let's go eat!" He said with a chipper voice as he headed for the kitchen.

Seungkwan went to follow him, but hesitated for a moment when something caught his eye. He glanced behind him to make sure no one was around before stepping into Jihoon's room. He made his way to the side of the bed, bending down to pick up the bloody gauze pecking out from underneath the bed. He examined it, noticing how the blood was still wet and bright red, which meant it was still fresh. Seungkwan didn't know what it meant, so he placed the gauze back down, making sure it was further underneath the bed before going out to the kitchen to join the others.


	4. Chapter 4

Jihoon loved their fans, Carats, so much. Their love and support really meant a lot to him, it was one of the only things that kept him going. 

But sometimes, they seemed to care a little bit too much.

Seventeen’s new music video had just dropped earlier that day, and Jihoon was scrolling through the comments on YouTube and Twitter as he always did. He liked to read the fans thoughts and opinions on the music he produced, what they liked and didn’t like, and what they wanted to hear from them in the future.

Except most of the comments he saw weren’t about the music video or the song, they were about him.

” _Is it really true that Woozi was assaulted and nearly raped by that newbie producer? I know no names were revealed but the description seems too close to Woozi and I can’t help but worry about him T.T”_

_“I really love the song, but I wish Jihoonie had taken more time away instead of jumping right back into the studio. What he went through was super traumatic and he needs to give himself time to recover a bit.”_

_”Did that gross excuse of a human producer who attacked our Woozi help with this song? It’s really awesome but I can’t help but feel sick thinking about that monster having anything to do with this album.”_

_”Jihoon! Please give yourself a break! Carats understand, we will wait for however long you need.”_

_”not a carat, but had to check out the song. Can’t beileve that Woozi dude murdered a guy then went straight back to work like nothing happened...”_

The more Jihoon scrolled, the more comments like that showed up. He couldn’t stop himself from reading them. He wanted so badly to explain to the fans what happened and why he’s trying to move on so quickly, but he knows that he never can. He’s grateful for their concern and understanding, but he wishes that they would support his decision go on with his normal life. Or at least trying to.

Jihoon didn’t know if he could ever go back to what life was before the incident. He was barely able to sleep, and whenever he did manage to fall asleep he would always jolt awake in the middle of the night, shaking and sweating from fear as he tried to will away the feeling of hands all over him. He’d lost a significant amount of weight in the past few weeks, which he’s certain the fans will notice immediately. He struggled daily trying to cover up the scars on his thighs and stomach from the others. His only escape was music, the only thing that made him feel like himself anymore.

Jihoon was more antsy to perform on stage again than he ever had been for any comeback. He was hoping that performing and meeting the fans would distract him from the looming darkness seeping into his thoughts.

So even though Carats wanted him to rest, he knew that it would only destroy him further. He  _needed_ to be on stage. The anticipation was the only thing keeping him alive at this point.

___

What Jihoon didn’t anticipate was everyone else, _the outsiders._

He didn’t think about how the other idols and their fans would look at him with pity or fear or disgust, like he was a broken wild animal ready to lash out at any second. Bu he couldn’t blame them, because it was partially true. His emotions have been all out of whack in the weeks since the “incident” as everyone called it. It was really anyone’s guess when he’d finally snap.

They just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

But everyone’s judging eyes following him as he stood on stage with all the other performers made his blood boil. He wasn’t something to be ogled at. He was a human being, and he wish people would start treating him like one again.

As everyone made their way of stage, Jihoon pushed through to the front, away from the pitiful looks from the crowd. He heard his members call out to him, but he ignored them as he stormed down the hallway to their dressing room.

He was feeling so many emotions all at once. He was furious, disgusted, but he didn’t know at who. Himself? Jongmin? Everyone else?

Jihoon stared at his reflection in the large mirror. He hated how small and helpless he looked, he hated that his size made him an easy target. He hated that people saw him as a cute and tiny boy despite his masculine personality. He was a man, but nobody saw that except him. 

The rage in him boiled over, yelling out in frustration as he slammed his fist into the mirror, shattering it into pieces. The shards went flying, blood running from his knuckles onto the floor, but Jihoon couldn’t find it in himself to care. He stopped caring a while ago.

He didn’t turn around when the door opened, didn’t acknowledge the members gasp from the mess Jihoon created. He didn’t even flinch when he felt someone grab his wrist, carefully moving his hand to inspect the damage he had done.

“Woozi...” he hears Seungcheol mutter lowly. Jihoon jerks away suddenly, his mind reeling.

_“L-let go of me.”_

_Jongmin shakes his head, leaning in to Jihoon's ear. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Woozi."_

Jihoon shoves at Seungcheol’s shoulders hard, making the other falter.

”Don’t. Call me that. My name. Is Jihoon.” He grits between clenched teeth, jaw tended in anger.

Soonyoung steps forward, hands up in a surrender. “Jihoonie, please, you need to calm do-“

” **Nobody** gets to tell me to calm down! I’m sick of everyone pitying me and treating me like glass.” He’s seething at this point, wild eyes scanning the room. He makes eye contact with Jun, and he knows he shouldn’t say anything, but the anger is clouding his judgement, and right now everyone is the enemy.

”Is this why you never said anything, Jun? You’re afraid of what other people would think, how they would place the blame on you? You’re afraid of becoming me?” Jun’s eyes widen, completely frozen from his words.

Minghao turns towards him, confused. “Gege, what is he talking about?” Jun begins to stutter, unable to form coherent words.

”Yeah, Junnie, why don’t you explain to our  _loving and caring_ memberswhat you’ve been hiding from us from the beginning? Oh but you won’t, will you? Because you’re a God damn  _coward.”_

Jihoon turns his gaze to the rest of the members with hatred and malice in his eyes.

”Just like the rest of you, you’re all fucking  ** _cowards!_** ” He spits out before pushing past the members to the door.

And then he’s running, ignoring the calls of his name, ignoring the guilt welling up in his chest and the tears spilling down his cheeks. 

He just runs, out of the building and onto the street, not bothering to figure out where he’s going.

And he honestly couldn’t care any less.

___

It’s the dead of night before Jihoon finally calls a cab and makes it back to the dorms. He slowly opens the door, not wanting to wake anyone, quietly making his way inside.

”You can’t keep pulling stuff like this, Jihoon.” A voice startles him. He turns in the direction of the voice, spotting Seungcheol on the couch.

He looks older than he ever has, stress evident in his face, and it makes Jihoon feel even more guilty than before.

He just stares down at the ground, not knowing what to say, letting the silence surround him like a dark shadow.

Seungcheol sighs, running his hand through his hair and pulling at the strands.

”What you did to Jun wasn’t fair, you know. I can forgive you exploding at the rest of us, but forcing him into telling everyone something he clearly wasn’t ready for us all to know... that’s just unforgivable.”

Jihoon feels himself shrink further into himself. “I know... it was a low blow on my part. I was just angry at everything, and I just said it without thinking and I’m so sorry. I feel so guilty you have no idea.” 

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Jihoon.” The coldness in his voice shocks him, and he looks up to meet the leader’s equally cold gaze.

”You can’t keep lashing out at us when we are just trying to help you. Every single one of us is trying their hardest to help you in any way we can to get you to push past this, but all you do is push us further away. Are you even trying to get better anymore?”

Jihoon doesn’t answer, not wanting to say the truth and not wanting to lie either. Seungcheol sighs again, pushing himself off the couch.

”I’m not going to waste my energy trying to help someone who’s already given up. Let me know when you actually want help. I’ll be waiting like the coward I am.” He says before slamming the door to his room shut, leaving Jihoon standing alone in the darkness to wallow in his guilt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are getting shorter, I’ve never been the best with making my writing long :/ But! I’m forcing myself to write more so updates should be more often from now on :3 I have no clue how long I want this story to be but I’m thinking maybe 10-15 chapters. 
> 
> I can’t believe this story has over a thousand hits! I’m so glad y’all are enjoying my horribly dark story, and I really appreciate all the kudos and comments you’ve left me <3 Thank you sm!!!!  
> Have a great day everyone ~(^-^)~


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